The window at the Pool

        The day began like any other day.  Our week long vacation was rapidly coming to a close.  We felt like we always do at the end of a vacation…excited to go home, sad to leave.  Over waffles and hot chocolate in the hotel dining room, we planned how we would squeeze every last ounce of fun out of our time left before piling in the car for the five hour drive home. 

            It was decided that my husband would take our three young daughters for a final escapade in the pool while I took advantage of the treadmill in the workout room.  Long hours of driving in the car had taken it’s toll and my body was screaming out for some physical activity.  We parted ways and I headed out past the pool to the workout room while everyone else went upstairs to change.

             My workout began like any other workout.  I stepped on the treadmill, pushed a bunch of  buttons and began walking as the machine purred to life.  The treadmill I had chosen faced a wall sized window overlooking the swimming pool.  I was delighted to know that although I was not getting in the pool, I would be able to take part in the morning swim by watching my family enjoy the unseasonably warm weather.  Little did I know, at that moment, that Heavenly Father was going to allow me a glimpse into something I hope I will never forget.

            Five minutes passed and through the window I saw a cute little family, my family, emerge from the lobby.  My husband, followed by three bouncy, giggly girls, made their way to the pool’s edge.  Towels, shoes, and clothing flew every which way as the girls excitedly prepared to jump in the water.  I was immediately delighted by the extreme joy this moment was providing them with.  I quickly discovered the  advantage of this great opportunity.  Normally I would be taking part in the scene before me, rapidly following behind them, gathering up clothes and shoes and quite honestly, being somewhat annoyed by all the commotion!  However, in this moment I was given a gift.  I saw this family in a different light, from the outside looking in.  Much like the way I imagine our Heavenly Father observes our daily lives, I began to be immersed by the many events unfolding through the giant window which had suddenly become somewhat of a movie screen.  As my feet pounded out a rhythm on the rotating belt beneath them, I watched.

            I noticed at first how happy everyone was.  I saw them enjoying each other, splashing, laughing, and playing together.  I thought about the craziness of the morning and how any hint of stress from preparing for the day had dissolved.  I thought about all the times I had allowed myself to be discouraged by the inevitable petty arguments that arise between siblings and family members in a home.   I often felt uneasy and uncertain about my ability to teach my own children to love each other and get along, pleading with My Heavenly Father to help me succeed.  As I watched, I saw people who were happy together, who did know how to work together and get along.  And they were doing it beautifully!  I realized that being in the middle of things all the time can sometimes keep us from seeing things as they really are.  I realized I wasn’t failing to teach them to love each other and work together, I just failed to notice that they could.

            I saw my husband playing with each girl, picking them up, throwing them into the air, and catching them each time.  I saw how they flocked to him, craving his attention, loving to be with him.  I thought about all the reasons I, 13 years earlier, had felt that same way towards him…craving his attention, and loving more than anything to be with him.  I thought about how much I still feel that way and how grateful I am that love can grow so much over time.

            I watched each girl enjoying the time in their own ways.  One, jumping off the side of the pool over and over again into daddy’s arms.  I thought about all the big “jumps” she would make throughout her life and how I hoped more than anything that she would grow to know that Heavenly Father,  would always be there to catch her with each leap.  I knew in this moment that with each jump, she was learning to trust.  And by being part of a family, she would have a sound environment to learn this truth.

            Another daughter sought to perfect a swimming skill she had learned in previous swimming lesson.  I saw how the encouragement she received from her family members drove her to keep trying and working at it.  I thought about all the times in her life that she would face something difficult and how I hoped the support and encouragement from family would keep her trying and working. 

             Then I watched as our third daughter came up from the water sputtering and coughing.  She had been accidentally bumped and had fallen back into the water unprepared.  Upset and angry, she made her way out of the pool and threw herself into a chair.  Now this was something I recognized!  However, I watched as immediately the dynamic changed and everyone quickly noticed she was missing.  I watched as each person stopped what they were doing and lovingly encouraged her to join them once again.  I thought about her future as well, thinking about all the times we get hurt and feel like giving up.  As she eventually responded to their requests and jumped back in, I thought about how much love plays a part in family relationships and how I hoped we would always notice when someone is taking themselves out of the game, and lovingly bring them back in.

            As I continued to observe this incredible scene , I realized something….Family is EVERYTHING.  Family is the golden ticket to our ability to learn, understand, live and grow!  Every seemingly small effort we put into building a strong family is worth it, because of how much family life impacts each personal life. I thought of a scripture I loved  “And thus we see that by small means the Lord can bring about great things.” (1 Nephi 16:29)  Looking beyond all the judgments I make about my abilities as a parent to create a “perfect” family, I saw exactly how looking at the big picture…can change everything.   Although there will always be challenges that arise, there is nothing more important, and it is worth every effort on my part to strengthen and build that family unit.

            As quickly as it had all began, my little movie drew to a close.  As I turned off the treadmill and watched my family gather their things, I felt a renewed determination to keep going…keep doing all the little things that I sometimes worry won’t make a difference.  Keep pushing through when things appear to be going wrong, or when that ideal family picture seems so far beyond my grasp.  I knew that just as Heavenly Father had allowed me this little glimpse of the big picture, He would be there to show me the way.  I am so grateful to know that He loves us and He loves our families, and will always be there to show us what we need to know to keep working towards an eternal family…even if it is through the window at the pool!

My Best Nest

In a few short weeks it will be April, and amazingly it will mean we have been in our new house for 1 year.  It seems like just yesterday we packed up our LOADS of Stuff, sadly said goodbye to our beloved neighbors and friends, and moved 5 minutes away (yep, you read that right....5 minutes) to a new neighborhood.  Aside from leaving our friends, it was a dream come true to find such an incredible house that we could afford, and a step in the direction we wanted for our family.  It was truly a blessing for us, a divinely assisted opportunity.  We felt this house was perfect for us...everything we wanted in our current home, but would never be able to afford or change on our own.  Everything fell into place beautifully, and we made the leap.

Now, it's not to say that we hated our "old" house.  We didn't.  We loved where we lived, and that house served us well for 10 wonderful years.  We brought our babies home to that house...raised toddlers and created many wonderful, cherished memories as well as made life lasting friendships.  The problem was just that we wanted a change...a different layout with more room for growth.  We knew we'd never be able to afford some huge upgrade...nor did we really care about that.  We just wanted a place to be able to stretch out a bit more.  We found all that in this new home and felt overwhelmingly blessed to have this opportunity.

When we first moved in, I was daily in awe.  I couldn't believe this new house was ours.  In our 14 years of marriage, we'd never had a NEW home.  Everything was so clean and nice, and well, NEW.  I felt overwhelmingly blessed to have this wonderful place to call home.  I admit I spent days feeling guilt as well...guilty for having a new home when there are people out there who don't even have a home.  This only increased my gratitude as I spent weeks setting up our house, attempting to once again make it feel like our HOME.  I told Ryan that first week that as I unloaded all of our things into the cupboards in the kitchen I couldn't help but think of a book my Mom had read to me as a young child.  I always remembered it because of the fun pictures and the message.  It is about 2 birds, a husband and wife, who live in a little bird house.  The husband loves the house and everyday sings "I love my house, I love my nest, in all the world my nest is best!"  The story continues on to show how the wife bird gets fed up with the old birdhouse and sends the husband out to find a new one.  Finally after searching and being unable to find something better, they decide to stay in their old house and the wife changes her attitude.  As I was setting up our kitchen I told him I kept hearing the song in my head "I love my house, I love my nest....in all the world my nest is best!"

As months went on, and we began to meet people in the neighborhood we had opportunities to go into their homes.  Many of them had built their homes and their houses were beautiful.  We began making friends and getting to know some wonderful people and we were even happier. We loved all of our new friends and neighbors.  However, slowly something began to happen to me....a deadly poison began to seep into my mind....the poison known as envy.  I began to notice all the things that other people's houses had that ours did not.  I began comparing.  As I saw other houses in the neighborhood and what they had that we didn't, I am ashamed to admit that I began to feel that my own house was inadequate.  How could it be that this house that was once PERFECT to us, our BEST nest, was suddenly inadequate???

Over the next few months I did some soul searching, and here's what I came up with.  We are only as happy as we make up our minds to be.  It is human nature to always want more...bigger and better.  We are constantly bombarded with the next BEST thing....bigger, better, best.  But when are we ever SATISFIED?  When are we ever content?  Sometimes society would have us believe that if we don't have the best of what's out there, something is wrong with us.  Well what about contentment....and gratitude?  What about being grateful for having anything at all??  Isn't it more important to have gratitude than it is to be obsessed with trying to achieve the next best thing?  The problem we can run into is that in our pursuit for "perfection" and "more", we can miss out on what is right in front of us...what is there in the moment...what we have already been blessed with.  When we turn off those thoughts that allow the poison of envy to take over our minds, we can find real happiness.  Being content allows us to live....allows us to rejoice and recognize how much we really do have, no matter how big or small it may be compared to everything else.  What is really important is how we receive blessings and then how we choose to give back...not how much we can accumulate.

I am now back to appreciating my nest.  In honor of my new found perspective, I have added a little reminder to our home.

These birdhouses on top of the cabinets in my kitchen help remind me to appreciate my blessings and find joy in what I have.  They remind me to look back on how I felt that first week in this kitchen, unloading boxes and singing about my best nest.  They remind me that there will always be something better than what I have...but there is also always something worse.  They remind me to focus on what I DO have, and not what I DON'T.  Like the mother bird in the story I can now continue to sing "I love my house, I love my nest, in all the world, my nest is best."  And hopefully, regardless of WHERE I am, and what my circumstances may be, I will be able to say that with a grateful heart!

Just keep Swimming, just keep swimming....

Yesterday, my day went a little something like this....

As soon as I opened my eyes for the day, I knew it was going to be a challenging morning.  My middle daughter, who has been recently diagnosed with childhood arthritis, was crying from her room.  I could hear her telling her dad that she was in pain, and tired, and didn't want to go to school....the same story I had been hearing for the past month (maybe longer) from her every morning.  My husband, who is usually gone at this time, had let me sleep in an extra half hour because he didn't have to leave until 8.  I could hear him prodding her to get up and going, reminding her he had given her medicine and it should help her feel better soon.  She was in no way willing to comply.  "I want Mom!", she was yelling.  The throbbing sense of a headache was settling in over my eyes and I sat up.  Ryan popped his head in through the door.  "She wants you," he said.  "I have tried everything.  I'll run down and start breakfast before I have to head out."  I rolled out of bed and headed down the hall to face the inevitable.

The next hour was pretty textbook.  I helped find lost pants, assisted my emotional daughter with washing her hair because it hurts to lift her arms and bend her wrists, broke up a fight about someone being in the bathroom too long, helped with hair and answered a couple pending e-mails.  By the time we were ready to head out the door, I was ready to keep my middle child home.  How can I send her to school when she is this upset???  This whole arthritis thing is only weeks old and I am still unsure how to manage it, and we are still in the process of diagnosis.  I am left to try to figure things out as they come.  The final straw was the new medication that she refused to take because it tastes so horrible.  Needless to say, we pulled up to the school with 5 minutes to spare.  My oldest said her goodbye's and hurried off as the middle one looked at me with puffy eyes and opened the door.  She suddenly realized she had forgotten her backpack.  "Kill me now!", I thought as I waited for the inevitable explosion of tears.  She walked away crying.  I took a deep breath and headed back home already tired and frustrated.

I now had less than an hour to shower, get dressed, dress my 6 year old and feed her, and run out the door to an appointment.  There is no hurrying a 6 year old so I had to strap on my "patience hat" and deal with it.  Of course everything is always wrong right when you are heading out the door..."these shoes hurt my feet, I can't find my jacket, can I bring this snack?"  I made it to my appointment 5 minutes late...which is actually pretty good time for me.

Next, I rushed home to make lunch and take my kindergartner to school.  She cried during lunch because we had not been home the night before and I was trying to help her with homework that was unfinished while she was eating.  Apparently it's hard to read out loud while you are eating.  I realize this, but there is no time for minor details!  I should have had her doing her homework during my appointment, but I wasn't able to help her at that time, so that led to this.  When it was time to go, she asked if we could walk to school because it was now warm outside.  I told her it was too late to walk and we could do it tomorrow.  More disappointment and saddness.  As we jumped in the car I grabbed my other daughters backpack and decided to drop it off in the office.  Such a helicopter mom thing to do.  I could hear the voice of the love and logic teacher from the classes Ryan and I had taken when we were new parents saying "Let them learn through natural consequences!!"  Yeah, yeah, I know.  If I were to take that class again today, I would fail miserably.  I am now enrolled in my own class: "Reality..survival of the fittest."  There's a lot less logic involved in this class.

Soon I was pulling out of the parking lot to head to the store.  It was my Mother-in-law's 60th birthday and she always goes out of her way to make everyone's birthday special, so I wanted to make it a nice day for her.  I pulled into the craft store to grab supplies to make a happy birthday yard sign I had seen on pinterest so that she would see it when she came home in the evening.  I also bought a present and made a stop at another store for something they didn't have at the craft store.  My last stop was to 7-11 for a Dr. Pepper as my headache was going from bad to worse and all I wanted to do was take a nap....Ain't nobody got time for that!

At home I groaned as I looked around at the dirty dishes, shoes all over the floor, papers and messes from the girls the night before that had never been cleaned up.  We had all rushed out the door so fast this morning there had been no time for making beds, and the girls towels and dirty pajamas were still on the bathroom floor despite my numerous reminders to pick them up before we left.  Everywhere I looked was a mess...mess that would take much longer to fix than the hour and a half I now had before the girls would be home.  There was no way I could finish my mother in law's present, bake her cake and get the yard signs done in that amount of time.  So, I set in to do what I could.

The girls got home as I was pouring the cake batter into my new bundt pan.  I was excited to try this new recipe of a lemon glazed bundt cake.  It sounded heavenly and perfect for those yearning for a springtime treat!  All the girls burst into the kitchen hungry and tired, throwing backpacks and shoes everywhere, asking to play with friends as I tried to focus on throwing the cake into the oven and asking them to pick up their stuff...which they never ended up doing and I got sidetracked by the cake.  So there it all sat for the rest of the night.  On top of that, I had now made another HUGE kitchen mess to add to the already full sink of dishes.  There would be not time for cleaning that up now as I had to head out the door again.

I rushed my middle daughter, who was now feeling better as her medicine had kicked in, over to the church for an hour long activity while I took my other 2 daughters over to Grandma's house to decorate the lawn.  We got done just in time to pick up their sister from the activity.  We headed home to find 3 minutes left on the timer for my cake.  Whew!  It looked perfect thank goodness.  I hurried to whisk together the glaze, ordering girls to do their homework and get ready so we could spend time with grandma in less than and hour.  As I took the cake out of the oven and then dumped it onto the cooling rack I realized the outside was overly browned.  This was a new pan and I had not experimented with cooking times yet.  It also smelled somewhat burnt.  I don't usually burn things because I am so cautious about it....but why not today!  I decided to glaze it anyway, but the glaze didn't seem to help much.  There was no way I was going to serve everyone a burnt cake, so as soon as Ryan got home and told me I was being irrational about the cake (keep in mind he eats BURNT toast)  we ran to the store to purchase a bakery lemon cake.  So disappointing!

We spent the evening with Ryan's family for the Birthday and didn't get done until about 9.  My middle child was now in pain again and exhausted and ready for bed.  I was frustrated with myself for staying so late instead of getting the kids home for bed.  I remembered that we had to pick up another prescription because I hadn't had time to do it earlier and we needed it for tomorrow, so we ran over to the pharmacy on the way home.  2 of the 3 kids were asleep in the car by the time we got home.  Then, when we got in the house, the 2 older girls fought over who got to have the fan in their room because it was hot upstairs.

By the time everyone was asleep, I looked at the clock: 10:15.  I was exhausted.  I knew I had to get everyone out the door by 7:55 in the morning so we could make it to a school event the next day, so I HAD to shower now.  When I finally rolled into bed, not sure what time because I refused to look at the clock, I thought about the disaster that awaited me down stairs for the morning and shook my head.  WHEN will I take care of that???  I fell asleep to my mind going over and over the mile long list of things I need to do in the next few days.

So what is my point in all of this???  Is it just that I want to whine about a busy day?  Don't I know everyone else out there has a life that is just as hectic, if not more so, than mine?  Yes, yes I do.  That is not my point.  The message came today, in a subtle, small way.

Today began much like the day before, only EVERYONE was tired and grumpy this morning.  It was nothing short of a miracle that we made it to "Books and buddies", a parent/child reading event that took place at the school this morning.  By the time we arrived, I was exhausted and tired from "putting out fires" all morning and still some what defeated from the day before and the day ahead.  As I sat reading with my girls, trying to have a fun experience,  they continued to complain and argue with eachother.  I continued to try to keep my patience.  When it was over and time to go, my youngest was rudely telling her sister how much she had ruined her day because she had drank her chocolate milk.  (Pah-lease!)  I kneeled down to look at her and said "Stop it!   That is enough."  I didn't yell it, but said it firmly enough that I caught the attention of a Mom I didn't know sitting close by.  I felt her look at me.  I imagined she was judging me, thinking I was a mean mom for reprimanding my child in such a firm tone.  I continued anyway as I wanted my daughter get the message to change her attitude and I meant it.  I wasn't mean, but I meant business.  She knodded her head and began to follow me out the door.  I knew I shouldn't care what this other mother thought of me...she didn't know me.  She didn't know the whole story.  I Imagined her making all kinds of judgements about what kind of mother I am.  I started feeling defensive, remembering my day before, and the day before that and on and on.  She had no idea how frustrating it was this morning, just to get my kids to this school!  I turned to look at her as we passed by just to see if she had that look on her face...that look that you see when someone is annoyed with what you are doing. That look from the stranger in the grocery store or restaurant when your child is throwing a fit and you are incapable of stopping it.  What good would it do?  None...I just wanted to see if she was as annoyed by me as I imagined her to be.  As I looked at her, her eyes met mine.  To my surprise, she smiled at me and gave me a little wink.  It was a look that said "Oh, I have been there."  A look that said "Keep it up, you're doing great."  A look that whispered, much like the catchy little song from "Finding Nemo" Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.  I had been the one to wrongfully judge her...asuming she would automatically  deem me a grouchy, impatient mother who always yelled at her kids.  I realized that had been my judgement of myself....not hers.  I had been in the wrong. That one small act of kindness changed my perspective for that single moment.  It reminded me that there are others out there just trying to make it everyday like me.  I am not alone.

In this world where we are all trying to make it, all trying to get by, all trying to do the best we can with the circumstances we have been given, how great would it be if we all made an effort to give someone a little understanding smile, a pat on the back, a compassionate wink.  What if we said to each other "Hey, I get you!  I know it's hard, just keep it up!"  What if we said to ourselves "You are doing your best and not everyone is watching you waiting for you to fail."  I think of how that one instance lifted my morning and strengthened me in a way nothing else could.  How great would it be if we made that  extra effort to love and support, instead of being quick to judge and criticize others AS WELL AS ourselves.  Thank you kind stranger for this reminder today, for unknowingly helping me to give myself a break and remember to just keep swimming!

30 Things I have learned or that I do in my 30's...that I never thought I'd learn or do when I was in my 20's

This year I find myself right smack dab in the middle of an age I used to consider "old".  The number 30 snuck up on me, finding it's way onto my drivers license, my medical chart, and anything  that required I divulge an age.  Thirty has become younger and younger in my mind the more I creep past the big 3-0. 

I was reflecting the other day about things that I do differently now than I did ten years ago, and how some things that used to be easier are now more difficult.  And some things that used to be more difficult, are now easier.  However, I find myself reminding my mind and body that I am no longer 20 years old, and it really is TRUE that your body (and your perspective) change with each decade of your life.  I am now at a place in my life where I am no longer up to my armpits in diapers and around the clock feedings.  That season of my life has come to a close (sniff sniff and yay).  I have begun another glorious season in the life of a womanhood and I've had to redefine who I am now and where I want to go from here.  In the process of doing this, I have compiled a mental list of differences between my early 20's and now my mid 30's.  Here are 30 things I have learned or that  I do in my 30's that I never thought I would learn or do in my 20's!

1) I sleep through the night most nights.  (This is a major accomplishment coming off of roughly 10 years of baby/toddler/preschooler middle of the night care taking.)  There was a time I thought I'd NEVER see this day, but alas, it has arrived!  Hallelujiah!

2) I now smell like bath and body works vanilla instead of baby spit up.

3) I fall asleep VERY QUICKLY watching movies or writing in my journal.  I used to be able to go, go, go and keep on going until I hit the pillow at night, but now....not so much.

4) I step over things on the floor instead of bending over 100 times throughout the day to pick them up! 

5) Sometimes I fork over $30.00 for takeout just so I can save the sanity of trying to make dinner in the middle of evening chaos.

6) I get excited when the house is empty and quiet for a while....Never thought I'd hear myself say that!

7) I opt for the classical station more times than the pop station....I am becoming my mother

8) A trip to Walmart with no kids is considered a date night with the Hubs.  (If we're lucky, we stop for Ice cream at the Mcdonalds!)

9) Two words: FIBER ONE....nuff said!

10) I try not to stand next to the young ladies at Zumba as I now look like Paula Abdul trying to keep up with Selena Gomez or whatever her name is!

11) I stopped telling myself I should REALLY learn how to make homemade bread and grind my own wheat because that would make me the ULTIMATE homemaker and am delighted when I find our favorite store bread on sale!  AND, I don't feel a bit guilty about buying it!

12) I take a walk down memory lane when I hear MC Hammer, Vanilla Ice, or Boys ll men....

13) I started taking piano lessons again from my Mom....this time without the whining and foaming at the mouth.

14) I began sleeping on a contoured pillow because oh my aching neck!  Takes me a bit to "get going" in the morning!

15) I visit the Dr. a lot...you know, the one at the Holiday Oil,  Dr. Pepper.  Yes, I know, I know....working on that one!

16) I bought the cute skirt that goes with my swimsuit to make sure it covered up some "things" ..lucky for me this is more IN right now than when I was a kid.  The ladies with skirts at the pool were not exactly what you hoped to aspire to...

17)  I treat my kitty like a baby because, well, no babies!

18)  I sneak in and watch my sleeping kids and realize I have forgotten a lot of the images from when they were babies that I thought I would NEVER forget.

19) I no longer look around to see who the store clerk is talking to when they say "Ma'am."  I automatically know it's ME.

20)  I am in more of a rush to teach my kids as much as I can and build relationships because I see first hand that time really does go by quickly.

21) Some days I opt for the Icy Hot instead of the Smelly lotion....

22) Instead of dreaming about places I'd like to go and things I'd like to do, I dream about having a maid or a dinner service.

23) I have learned attempting a toe touch on a trampoline at this age can have embarrassing and dire consequences.

24) I appreciate a lot more...my parents, my family, my friends, every blessing.  I realize now more than ever how hard others have worked to make my life better.  I appreciate the little things.

25) I rely more on the mannequins at the store when I shop to know what is cute to wear now....I don't trust my 80's and 90' fashion judgement anymore!

26) I take more time to sit in silence and just listen....

27) I keep the bottle of TUMS on my nightstand (Oh sad day....this is SO my DAD!)

28) One of the greatest joys in my life is to see one of my kids ACTUALLY do what my hubby or I asked them to do!

29)  I start a lot of sentences with "Remember When...." or "Back in the day..."

30) I began writing an annoying BLOG in an attempt to organize my swarming thoughts and document day to day living....and I think it's actually FUN!

Here's to another 10 years!  Can't wait to see what's around the corner in the 40's.  Well, actually, I'd like to wait a little bit longer for that! 

The Ice Rink

The day began like many other days...with ponytails.  I wish I had a quarter for every ponytail I have done in the last 11 years since I became a mother.  I would be a rich woman...maybe even rich enough to afford the endless supply of ponytail holders this house of estrogen requires?

 I have to admit that on this day, as I was preparing children and myself for the day ahead, I was feeling somewhat defeated.  I could blame it on the dreary winter weather, but my thoughts were not on storm clouds and sunless skies.  They were swirling around a little storm of my own, the one going on in my mind effecting every thought and word that I spoke, wreaking havoc on the possibility of a desired cheerful disposition. This week, for whatever reason, I had become keenly aware of the limitations in me that I felt were holding me back and keeping me from doing things "well".   The thoughts of frustration and inadequacy that I (and most women I know) fight to block out on a daily basis had, snuck in somewhere and set up camp in a dark corner of my mind.  Now, I was now in the middle trying to sort it all out.  In short, I was in a bad mood! 

The girls had been asking (ok, begging) for some time now to go ice skating.  With dad home and an afternoon free, it seemed like a good time to do it.  However, The last thing I wanted to do on this day was lace up a smelly old pair of skates and go around and around in a circle of ice...what about the dishes, and the laundry?  Who's going to vacume the bedrooms that so desperately need it and pick up the family room full of random "things" that belong somewhere in the house, but never seem to find their way "home."  I knew it would be me...later...when everyone was tired and sleeping.  More negativity to pile on to my already bad attitude.  However, I knew the girls would love it, and we would all be together.  Nothing is really more important than that.  So, we loaded up 3 excited children with hats and gloves, and headed to the local ice rink where we would meet some family members for an afternoon of fun.

 The rink was crowded, buzzing with unmistakeable energy, and once we were all laced up and ready to go, I couldn't help but feel somewhat rejuvenated by the atmosphere around me.  I was gladly the designated "hand holder" of our youngest daughter who could not wait to get out on the ice.  I was surprised by her enthusiasm as she had only been ice skating twice before in her short 6 years of life, one time being a week ago.  It had not come easy to her then, and I couldn't help but wonder what this time would bring.  

As I held her little gloved hand and skated with her around and around the rink, I was impressed by how well she was doing.  She didn't want to let go of my hand, but she showed no sense of fear as she pushed her little legs to move forward and glide further with each step.  I realized at some point that her success was due in some part to the confidence she seemed to have.  All I could think about, as a mother of course, was her falling and hitting her head or getting hurt.  I continued to hold tight to her as she fearlessly kept on, lap after lap.  After a while, my husband and I started encouraging her to try on her own.  It was difficult at first to let go of her hand, but I knew I needed to in order for her to learn on her own.  As I would let go, I'd stay right close behind her and let her struggle on her own for a bit.  Each time she fell, I was right there to encourage her and cheer her on.  In the moments she got frustrated, I let her to rest for a minute and try again...first holding her hand, and then again sending her off on her own.  As she held my hand, she had complete trust and confidence that I would not let her fall and she kept her eyes forward and went wherever I lead her, trusting completely in my judgement.  This allowed her to get really good at balancing and strengthened her ankles as she worked at keeping her feet straight, which is no easy task for little legs and feet!  Then, when she went out on her own, she had confidence that I'd still be there to help her and pick her up when she needed it.  This kept her from being too afraid to fall.

 At some point in this process, I began to recognize the amazing parallels this ice skating experience was drawing me to see in my own life.  As I continued to struggle with my inadequate thoughts and bad mood I quickly came to realize that my Heavenly Father was trying to teach me a lesson through this sweet little girl holding my hand, smiling and trusting my every move.  I began thinking about how aware I am of my weaknesses and inadequacies.  I thought about how often I think about how inexperienced and unqualified I feel to do many of the things that are expected of me in my life. I thought about how often I set out trying to fix myself, and then I get frustrated and give up when I feel I have failed.  I suddenly saw how my efforts were often missing a vital piece of the puzzle...a trusted hand to hold.  The hand is always there, but I have to have enough faith and trust to reach out and take it.  Like my sweet daughter displayed through her effortless trust in my hand, If I had the childlike faith to take my Heavenly Father's hand and know I could do well with his help, I could push myself forward with complete confidence that he won't let me fall as I try.  How much better would my life be?  In the moments when I feel alone and afraid, when I am slipping and stumbling across the "ice" each day  for the first, second, or third time on my own, He (like a concerned and loving parent) would never be far away...letting me do as much on my own as I can , and picking me up when I fall.  My inadequacies are many, but I don't have to let them keep me from holding my head high and continuing to try over and over again even when I feel defeated...no, ESPECIALLY when I feel defeated.  I can have complete trust that wherever He leads me, it won't be without His help and that will make up for the strength I lack on my own.  

Driving home that day, I left the ice rink with a renewed perspective about life and trust in the Lord.  This day that began with ponytails and pessimism, was ending with a feeling of gratitude and faith.  How I will try to always remember to reach out and take that hand that will not let me fall.  How I will have faith that no matter where I am going, He will always be right there with me, cheering me on.  Many things come to us in surprising ways, and how grateful I was for this moment in the ice rink when I learned that faith conquers fear, and each time I lace up a pair of smelly, old ice skates, I hope I'll remember that!